I’m never afraid to tell my clients that I have been in therapy. Being in therapy with the right person at the right time changed my life.

Since my early 20’s, I have worked as a client with 5 different therapists and 4/5 of them were not a good fit.

The reasons vary, and I know I have responsibility, but my first four therapists did not do a good job of helping me stay engaged in the process. I either left abruptly or drifted away, and subsequently my problems got worse.

Part of the issue was that I wasn’t quite ready to face the problems in my life, but now that I’m a professional in the field, I can also easily identify the things the therapists did that weren’t at all helpful in nudging me along.

Once I finally found a therapist I clicked with, I knew instinctively that he was the right fit. I couldn’t articulate why at the time, but something kept me coming back week after week.

I talked here about the general qualities that should exist in any successful client therapist relationship. But beyond that, there are a number of specific details that can determine whether a therapist is a good fit. My therapist wasn’t perfect (perfection is not a green flag), but he did check the boxes below, which I now know is what kept me engaged.

Not every therapist is right for every client (nor should they be), but the one you choose should be tailor-made for you. If you are looking for a therapist, here are ten ways to determine whether they are a good fit:

1. Do their fees and payment situation work for you? Are they in network with your insurance? Can you afford their fee? Cost is definitely a barrier to getting good therapy, and this is an area where lots of misunderstandings happen. It is important that your therapist communicate with you clearly about their fees, payment policies and late cancellation charges. If you are not sure, you should clarify this information with them before proceeding. (Read here and here for more information on insurance and why therapists charge for therapy.)
2. Is their office location accessible to you and is the appointment time convenient? If a 5pm Friday afternoon appointment means sitting in 2 hours of traffic to get there, it will make it very difficult for you to keep coming back. You may feel like you can squeeze in an appointment on your lunch hour, but you may feel too emotional at times to return to work. You may have to make some schedule concessions to meet with your therapist (many are booked out months in advance), but overall, it should be fairly easy and convenient for you to access them.
3. Is their office cozy and welcoming? This means different things to different people but you should feel comfortable when you’re sitting in their space. It doesn’t have to be pristine (because that would be uncomfortable for a lot of us), but if your therapist pays attention to small details in their space (tissues are handy, a blanket is nearby if you get cold, the seating is comfortable…) this hopefully means they will pay close attention to you.
4. Do they begin and end their sessions on time and do they avoid cancelling or moving appointments unnecessarily? Certainly emergencies happen, but in general, sessions should begin and end in a timely way. Your therapist should respect both your time and theirs.
5. Do they have appropriate boundaries? This encompasses a lot of things, but therapists with appropriate boundaries should not socialize with you outside of session (and if you watch Shrinking, they never invite you to live in their pool house or invite you to their daughter’s soccer game.) They also avoid sharing too many details about their personal lives. The only details they disclose should be in the interest of your therapy.
6. Do they give you their full attention? I was taught that the therapy hour is sacred and belongs solely to the client. Good therapists are never on their phones, texting, taking calls, or allowing interruptions of any kind (except in very rare unusual emergencies). Their body language demonstrates that they are engaged with you and interested in what you have to say.
7. Do they listen without judgment? Overall, you should feel warmly regarded by your therapist and anything you say should be received without judgment. They may have to confront or challenge you sometimes, but they should do so in a loving, accepting way — kind of like your favorite teacher or coach that pushes you but you know they care. This doesn’t mean they agree with you all the time, but you should sense that they are on your team.
8. Do they give advice sparingly and avoid telling you what to do? When I was in therapy I once begged my therapist to tell me if I was making the right decision. He refused. Instead he said, “You are the one that has to live with your decision, and I don’t want to be just another person in your life telling you what to do.”  I was so frustrated at the time, but today I am incredibly grateful and I understand why this is so important.Good therapists can help you list the pros and cons of your decisions and/or remind you of how you felt the last time you made that terrible decision — but they shouldn’t be telling you how to live your life. And while it is okay to give advice from time to time, this is done very sparingly. Instead of giving advice, they talk in general ways and make suggestions… i.e. “maybe it would be a good idea to get some legal consultation about this decision,” or “how does this decision align with your values and goals?”
9. Do they give you feedback? I’ve had more than a few people tell me in frustration that their previous therapist just listened and nodded, never really giving any feedback or direction. While this style isn’t necessarily wrong, especially for a psychodynamically-oriented clinician, most people these days are not looking for psychoanalysis, nor do they have years to spend in their therapist’s office. In each session, your therapist should be offering you concrete ways of coping, sharing their insights and observations, and giving you practical strategies to help you solve your problems and reach your goals.
10. Do they respond appropriately to your feedback? They listen and respond non-defensively if you tell them you feel frustrated with them or don’t agree with them. They are not perfect, and just like in any relationship, they will probably let you down at some point. If you express frustration or challenge them (“You didn’t seem very engaged in our last session, I felt like you weren’t listening to me.”) they own their mistakes and work on making repairs.

This is not an exhaustive list, but finding a therapist that meets these criteria will go a long way in helping you engage in your own life-changing-therapy-experience.

If you are in the Greenwood/Indianapolis, Indiana area and are interested in learning more about how the therapy process works, give us a call at 317-743-8202 or email [email protected]. Even if you’re not in the area and have questions, we would be glad to help if we can.