In my last post I mentioned two questions I frequently ask new clients. (“Why are you here?” and “Why now?”)

I’ll often add a third question: “Why me?”

Sometimes people say I was recommended by a friend or colleague. Others have said, “You answered the phone.”

One answer I’ve heard frequently is, “I saw your profile and you looked like someone I could talk to.”

Assuming your therapist possesses at least a basic level of training and competency in their chosen field, it turns out that “being someone you can talk to” is essentially one of the most important factors of all in finding the right therapist.

More specifically, research shows consistently that positive therapy outcomes are strongly influenced by the quality of the client/therapist relationship.

While you won’t be having Christmas dinner with them or binge watching a favorite show together, if you want to experience true change, it is essential for you to have a close, connected and attached relationship to your therapist.

Carl Rogers, a trailblazing psychologist (and probably a really nice guy), found that therapists need to meet three conditions in order to form a healthy “therapeutic alliance” with their clients. (A therapeutic alliance just means to have a strong, ethical and functional working relationship that is focused on you and your goals.)

These three conditions are:

1. Congruence – the therapist is a “real person” and they are showing you their true self. They are open and honest — their “inside matches their outside.” They don’t tell you everything they think, but you sense that they are authentic and real.
2. Unconditional positive regard – they are on your team! No matter what you bring to the session, they see it from your perspective. They don’t always agree with your decisions or actions, but you sense from them that their feelings about you are stable and unconditional.
3. Accurate empathic understanding – they “get you.” They experience your feelings as you are experiencing them (not as they would experience them if they were in your shoes). They understand your perspective and can see why you react, think and feel the way you do.

When a therapist consistently brings these three elements into sessions, it creates an environment for their client to change and grow. It allows clients to look at themselves without shame or fear of being judged, and gives them the space they need to figure out what they want and how to get there.

I’ve often thought that being a good therapist is a lot like being the ideal parent. Therapists wear many hats, just like parents. They bear the weight of responsibility in forming strong alliances with their clients and creating a safe environment that is conducive to learning and growth.

If you’re not feeling especially connected to your therapist, it’s probably safe to say that you’re also feeling stuck in your therapy. If you feel comfortable (or mostly comfortable) doing so, I recommend first trying to discuss this with your therapist directly. This is valuable feedback for them and gives you good practice in having hard conversations.

If they respond in a congruent, unconditional and empathic way, you probably have a wonderful opportunity to experience true growth, provided the two of you can collaborate and work on deepening your relationship.

If they respond defensively or with blame, then this may not be the person for you. In this case I would recommend possibly looking around for someone that better meets your needs. (More on this topic soon!)

If you are in the Greenwood/Indianapolis, Indiana area and are interested in learning more about how the therapy process works, give us a call at 317-743-8202 or email [email protected]. Even if you’re not in the area and have questions, we would be glad to help if we can.