About Dialectical Behavior Therapy
DBT uses four skills modules to help clients cope more effectively with intense thoughts, moods, emotions and behaviors. They are mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness.
A Three Step Strategy for Managing Anxiety
Morning after morning I woke up with a hard-to-describe feeling that started deep in my abdomen and swelled through my chest. I would lay in bed, miserably waiting for this unwelcome and never-tardy intruder to show up and temporarily paralyze me with a mixture of fear, dread, and self-recrimination.
Creating Positive Emotional Experiences
Allowing yourself to experience positive emotions — even temporarily — can give your mind and body a much-needed break from feeling sadness, fear or anxiety. Research done by Barbara Fredrickson has shown that positive emotions can help us think more flexibly and become more resilient.
How Does Therapy Work?
When I was in grad school, an instructor told our class it would be a good idea for us to get our own therapy so that we could better understand how the process worked.
A classmate raised her hand.
“But how does it work?” she asked.
My instructor shrugged her shoulders and said simply, “It’s magic.”
Let’s Talk: the Last of our Five Part Series on Better Communication
“I have never told anyone this before…”
“I’ve always wondered if it was my fault.”
“I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“I wasn’t sure anyone would believe me.”
“I was ashamed…”
“I was embarrassed…”
“I can’t imagine anyone finding out about this…”
It may or may not surprise you to know how often I hear these words uttered in my office. Men, women, children, adults. Age and gender don’t seem to matter. Over and over again I hear the quiet and painful stories of abuse, bullying, name-calling, molesting and more. Secrets people thought they would carry with them to the grave. Things long-buried, semi-forgotten, hidden in the shadows. But then — for no explained reason — these memories intrude upon their lives in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, nausea, fear. Events that cause them to hide from others, numbing their pain, or worse, lash out at ourselves or someone else.
A lot of people think they can handle it, that it’s not a big deal, that they can work through it, or have worked already through it. They don’t want to burden people that love them. They don’t think others will understand. They wonder if it was their fault.
This is not a political post, and I’m not offering opinions about the recent developments in the Christine Blasey Ford testimony, except to say that our inability to talk about terrible things creates enormous personal and societal problems. I can’t help but think how much pain and suffering could be avoided if our culture allowed us to talk about problems when they happen — not decades later. I wonder what our world would be like if girls and women and boys and men could speak up when they are abused or mistreated. If people could be empowered with the tools to care for themselves and others in a timely and healing way.
For a society that is wired and connected and inundated with loads of information, we sure do a terrible job at talking with others about the things that matter deeply to us.
One way you can do this is to be intentional about creating an atmosphere of communication with the people you care about.
Put the phone down. Use current events, television shows and books as springboards for deeper conversations. Be spontaneous as well as scheduled. Carve out time for just being together and put it on your calendar as you would any other important event. Talk over shared activities. Build a fire. Keep board games in the family room. Ask open-ended questions. Good communication takes time — be intentional about investing this time in your loved ones.
At Generations Counseling, we want to support you in your efforts to connect with the important people in your life. To help move all of us toward more talking, more listening, and more helping, we are launching a new event called Second Tuesdays. Beginning November 13, on the second Tuesday of each month, we will host a discussion on events that are important to our mental health and our local community. Our goal is to give people in schools, workplaces and families the tools and information they need to have important conversations.
Our first topic is Family & Politics: Tips for Surviving the Holidays in a Hostile Climate. Yikes, I know. It’s a tough one. But we need to talk about it. We will be offering tips and strategies for navigating relationships with people we may love, but don’t agree with. We share ideas for learning to communicate more thoughtfully, more helpfully, more respectfully, and hopefully help avoid some of the family drama that always seems to accompany the holidays.
This is a free event, open to the public. We would love to have you join us.
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P.S. To sum up all the info in our communication series, we’ve created a free download.
To get yours, click here.
Need more? If you are feeling stuck and need some outside help in managing your communication, emotions, or relationships, our team at Generations Counseling is available! Give us a call at 317-743-8202 or email at: [email protected] today.
Another Simple Thing You Can Do to Have Less Conflict & Better Relationships (Communication, 3/5)
Have you ever found yourself in a ridiculous conversation that devolved into a completely irrelevant topic — so much so that you couldn’t even remember what you were arguing about in the first place?
Yes. Yes you have.
Joe: I told you on Tuesday that we had this dinner appointment — you never listen to me and now we are going to be late!
You: You did not tell me on Tuesday! 10 minutes ago was the first I heard of it.
Joe: I distinctly remember telling you. You had just hung up the phone with your mother and you were mad at her which is why you didn’t pay attention to a word I said. You never pay attention to me!
You: I didn’t even talk to my mother all day on Tuesday. The last time I talked to her was on Sunday, and I know that’s true because she called me yesterday and she said she hadn’t talked to me for three days.
Now. What was the problem?
It happens so often, this conversation pattern is a ‘thing’. I’m not sure what the experts call it, but I call it exhausting.
It’s so easy to do. We find ourselves sucked into purposeless conversations that leave all the parties completely worn out and unable to address the real problem.
So many families/couples/individuals come into my office and simply say, “I’m tired. I’m exhausted. We have the same conversations, over and over, and I can tell you exactly how they’re going to go.”
I don’t have a magic wand for this one, but I can share a tool with you that you may not have tried.
Seriously. It will be so easy you will wonder why you didn’t think of it. (You didn’t, because you’re tired.)
The way to work smarter instead of harder in communication is simply this:
Focus on the process, not the content.
What do I mean by that?
Let’s look at the conversation you and Joe just had.
Joe: I told you on Tuesday that we had this dinner appointment — you never listen to me and now we are going to be late!
You: You did not tell me on Tuesday! 10 minutes ago was the first I heard of it.
Joe: (because he’s done a lot of work in this area he can now say…) Well, I thought I told you Tuesday, but maybe I just imagined it. Anyway, I’m feeling frustrated now, because it really means a lot to me to introduce you to my boss, and now I’m worried we’re going to be late for dinner.
You: (because you’ve been reading this blog you can now say…) Shoot, I am really sorry. I’ve been looking forward to meeting your boss, and I definitely don’t want to make you late. How about you drive and I’ll put some makeup on in the car?
And later….after dinner….you can say, “And Joe, you know earlier, when you said I never listen to you? I felt really defensive after that, because even though I know I sometimes tune you out, the word ‘never’ really gets to me, because I can think of times that I do listen to you. I feel like you make generalizations when you’re angry and everything I’ve ever messed up on in our relationship gets thrown in the pot…”
And so on.
Now I know this isn’t magic, but it does work. I can tell you that it works, because I’ve done it myself, and I’ve taught my clients to do it as well.
Focusing on the process over the content ignores the “who, what, where, when” arguments that we seem to be determined to have. Those arguments that make us feel picked apart and exhausted. The ones that get us no where and leave us feeling like every conversation we have is the same song, second verse.
By focusing on the process (Use the formula: “When you…I feel…I need….”), we give the other person a little more space to think through what they feel and they need, rather than putting them on the defensive and trying to figure out how to prove us wrong.
Process communication focuses on what’s happening beneath the surface, not the minor, annoying details. Process communication gives the people we care about a chance to catch their breath, and gives us a chance to be heard. It’s subtle way of doing things differently. Instead of driving endlessly on a country road trying to figure out where we’re going and how we’re going to get there, process communication provides a map — a sense of context and a destination.
All the parties involved may not agree exactly on how to get there, but at least there’s a reference point.
The hardest part about doing process communication is that we have to do two things at once:
- we have to focus on how we feel, on how the interaction is affecting us and
- we have to step away from that emotion and share it in a non-defensive, grown-up way
There’s actually a third thing. We also have to be aware of what we need, and learn to ask for that in a way that doesn’t put the other person on the defensive.
In process communication we have to let go of our right to be right, and focus on the other person’s right to be heard. We have to validate the other person’s feelings as valid — not because we understand them or agree with them, but simply because another person has them.
Now I know this is easier said than done, but if you have had the same conversation over and over again only to land at the same place, it might be worth a shot to do things differently.
Need more? If you are feeling stuck and need some outside help in managing your communication, emotions, or relationships, our team at Generations Counseling is available! Give us a call at 317-743-8202 or email at: [email protected] today.
Stop Fighting. Start Communicating: #1 in a 5 Part-Series on Really Improving Your Communication
Joe and Suzy have been married for 15 years. Lately, Joe has been spending more and more time at work, and Suzy says he’s being a selfish workaholic. She even wonders if he is having an affair. Joe agrees — he has been spending more time at the office — but he says Suzy’s nagging and complaining has left him with no other choice. Joe says the office is just a welcome respite from the strife at home.
Sure, Joe and Suzy have a marriage problem, but more specifically, they have a communication problem.
In relationships, communication is everything. And as you well know, communication isn’t just what we say, it’s how we say it. It’s also what we don’t say. As therapists, we are trained to look at and interpret non-verbals — but let’s get real — if you have a relationship with anyone in your life, you are probably pretty good at cueing in on those non-verbals as well.
Improving communication is a worthy goal; however, it is MUCH easier said than done.
But don’t lose heart–it can be done. Over the next couple weeks, I’ll be sharing a 5 part series with some really practical tips that you can begin using immediately to improve your communication with your spouse, your kids, your boss, or anyone else that is driving you nuts.
One of the biggest problems with talking to other people — especially talking to people we love about issues we care about — is those pesky things called “emotions.” Have you ever started a conversation with the intent to be calm, cool and collected, only to have the whole thing devolve into a ridiculous argument in the matter of seconds?
You’re not alone. The problem is your emotions. When we imagine ourselves calmly talking about a difficult topic, we often fail to factor in the possibility that we are going to be “triggered” by the other person’s verbals or non-verbals. Even a slight tilt of the head, the smallest roll of the eye or the teeniest hint of a sigh can send us reeling and completely derail our communication.
The reason this happens is probably about the past — you have either experienced this same scenario with this same person a hundred times, or, you have experienced the same scenario with a DIFFERENT person a long time ago. Our brain doesn’t really stop to evaluate the current scenario. With that one little cue, our brains scan our memory files for every other time in our lives we encountered tilted heads, rolled eyes and testy sighs and responds to all of those events all at the same time.
This is called “flooding” — our systems become flooded, or overwhelmed with emotion, and we start thinking all kinds of things and drawing all sorts of conclusions about why this time or this person is just like all the others. Then, rather than reacting to what is actually happening in the current moment, we react to what we think the other person is thinking, feeling or doing.
And that’s really where communication breaks down.
So my first tip in improving communication is this: change your PERSPECTIVE. When we lose our cool in conversations, it is very likely that we have also lost perspective. We are either flooded with memories from the past, or catapulting ourselves into some horrible outcome in the future.
Taking on a new perspective involves some practice and self-discipline, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t come naturally. Here are some things you can try:
1. Focus on the big picture – what does this person mean to you? How would you feel if you knew this was the last conversation you’d ever have? What are your long-term goals for this relationship?
2. Focus on what you have in common – you and your spouse may not agree on how to discipline the kids, but you do agree that you want them to learn from their mistakes, or that you want them to grow up to be productive adults. Rather than zeroing in on the areas where you disagree, look for the things you both want.
3. Think about when you have been successful in the past – If this is a long-term relationship, try to think about times in the past when you have had productive conversations with this person. What went well? What was different about that time? Did you do anything differently? If this is someone with whom you don’t have a history, think about times in the past when YOU have been effective in your communication. What did you do that was so useful?
4. Think about how you would like to feel about this tomorrow – When you look back on this conversation, what do you want to remember? Do you want to spend time beating yourself up for losing your cool — again — or would you rather feel a sense of satisfaction at having handled yourself well?
5. Put yourself in their shoes – ugh — easier said than done, I know, but it can be helpful to legitimately allow yourself to consider where the other person is coming from. What about them don’t you know? (Maybe it’s a sales clerk who had a horrible day. Maybe your spouse just got chewed out at work, or has spent the afternoon with a grumpy teenager). No matter how well you know the person, or how well you think you know the situation, there may be information you don’t have. How might that information impact this conversation? If you are really up for a challenge, try a bit of a role reversal. Switch roles with whoever you’re talking to — have them take your perspective, and you take theirs. How does it feel to have this conversation from another point of view?
Remember – this takes practice — but changing your perspective can have a dramatic impact on your communication. And if you get this one mastered, stay tuned for our next fun topic: validation.
Need more? If you are feeling stuck and need some outside help in managing your communication, emotions, or relationships, our team at Generations Counseling is available! Give us a call at 317-743-8202 or email at: [email protected] today.